Bizarro Patient Zero

*Not safe for anyone, really.  Well, maybe it’s not so bad.  You decide.  I’m tired.

Here’s my presurgery prep day schedule!

1. Eat nothing.
2. Make extensive and overreaching to-do list.
3. Mix up a gallon jug of PEG (antifreeze).  Add lemon flavoring. Chill.
4. Drink this until you can’t stand it anymore.
5. Take up residence in the bathroom.  Reading materials: Star Trek handbook, Truman Capote novel, last week’s “New York” magazine.
6. Drink some more.
7. [DELETED]
8. No, wait, drink some more.
9. [DELETED]
10. Here, have another cup!
11. [DELETED]
12. Seriously?
13. [DELETED]
14. Curl up in grouchy ball on sofa.  Ignore to-do list.
15. Kill all gut flora with several grams of antibiotics in a pill the size of an ipod shuffle.
16. Repeat 15.  Mix up another quart of iced tea.  Drink.  Ignore caffeine.
17. Pack too much stuff, ignoring the fact that you will be sleeping and growling at people for the next 72 hours.  Stuff will include an ipod, several balls of yarn, three books, two magazines and a secret bottle of Klonopin.
18. Repeat 15.  Mourn death of gut flora.  Remember that yogurt is not a clear liquid.
19. Eat sorbet, which inexplicably is a clear liquid.  Bitch and moan.
20. Wonder if organic mac and cheese counts as a clear liquid.
21. Ignore “to do” list.
22. Watch “Treehouse of Horrors” with the Badger.
23. Groan.  Eat more sorbet.
24. Watch “The Next Iron Chef” with the Badger and immediately regret watching cooking shows on an empty stomach.
25. Have a fine late-night snack of Klonopin and apple juice.  Yum-o!
26. Attempt to sleep.
27. Obsessively play Plants v. Zombies to reach the level that was lost in the software upgrade.
28. Repeat.
29. Obsess over undone items on “to do” list.
30. Sack out on sofa.