Bizarro Patient Zero

Dear Trey and Matt,

I’m a longtime, devoted fan of South Park, right from the start.  Your work is truly inspired.  In turn, I’ve been inspired with a great idea I’d like to share with you!

Boy, I wish my writing was better; wittier, more persuasive.  However, I’ve got cancer and it’s totally affecting my art.

Yep, I’ve got cancer.  Rectal cancer - the funniest cancer of all, fortunately!  And, frankly, a cancer with a big ol’ marketing problem.

You see, rectal cancer doesn’t even have its own ribbon.  Sure, the colorectal cancer ribbon is a drab navy blue.  Navy blue!  And I don’t have colon cancer.  (My mom has colon cancer, but that’s another story.)

Rectal cancer is its own, special (to me) disease, and deserves a higher-profile endorsement.

I propose promoting and licensing Mr. Hankey as the official ambassador for rectal cancer.  I can’t think of a more appropriate spokesturd.   As a rectal cancer patient, I spend a lot of time focusing on that particular area, and its particular output.  And to generate, painlessly, productively and naturally, a perfect Mr. Hankey, is the goal of my treatment.  (That, and not dying.)

Imagine the day when Mr. Hankey’s earthy brown visage is slapped onto every ribbon, tshirt, electric mixer, lipstick, football helmet, mouth guard, sneaker, toaster, stapler and every other endorsable, colorable product in the world!  I’d be happy with a smart baseball cap, and perhaps a shade of lipstick and a candy bar.  But to dream at all is to dream big, right?

I know there’s little chance this letter will reach you, but I wanted to put it out there.  Perhaps you’ll learn of this, and think about putting Mr. Hankey to work for a great cause.

Howdy ho,

Michelle L. Dobrawsky