April 2011
34 posts
Via Mom
(Mom, while essentially nonreligious, has developed a habit of asking “Why, God, did this happen?” So it follows that eventually, this would work out as a communication strategy)
Mom: So, I think I heard God in a dream last night.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yeah, he said hang in there, it will all work out. He sounded a little Jewish.
Me: A little?
Mom: Yeah, don’t vorry,...
Figured it out.
My hair, while thinning, is most definitely angry at me. It’s rebelling by folding back in on itself, twisting around and screaming.
One step closer to my dream!
Bizarro Make a Wish
My mom and I are home in NYC. The rest of my immediate family is in Disneyworld. Seriously, does a bitch have to shave her head to get some of that Make a Wish action?
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Via Mom
Me: I think the radiation only makes you lose hair in the area around the radiation.
Mom: (silent)
Me: You know, down there.
Mom: Oh. No big deal. It’s like a Brazilian. Tell people you went for a Brazilian.
Me: (silent) How do you know what a Brazilian is?
Mom: (indignant) I watch “Real Housewives!” It hurts! They all get them. NeNe gets them, I think. That’s how...
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Cheers!
To the first person to use ‘cancer butt’ in a sentence. Thanks, Emily!
21st century cancer staging
He: Is it like Farrah Fawcett bad?
Me: Nah. It’s located right between Farrah and my mom.
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Follow up question - but is it art?
So, now revealed to be an (accidental, medically mandated) opium addict, will the quality of my writing improve?
Why is this night different from all other nights?
Because I’ve finally gotten through my accidental opiate withdrawal.
Good Pesach, y’all. Remember, matzoh is constipating!
Next year, in good health.
Nae and yea.
Very, very mixed reviews on blogs by the ill - of which I guess this is one, so rate it for yourself. Treading the Internet lightly, these days.
On the one hand - Really? This is why I can’t deal.
Lady, you are nutso. And I hate pages that autoplay music.
This WTF blog, however, is a delightful cancerblog:
I’ve never met you, but K is a lovely lovely person. Stay strong.
Rough week.
My boyfriend’s really neat bike got stolen this week. Also, his girlfriend has butt cancer.
I gave him my Snickers Almond bar.
That’s love, right?
“It’s totally fine to not be macho…Hey, you can even be an asshole if...”
– I am so fortunate to know Pam Murphy, and glad she lets me pick her brains as my personal cancer advisor. She’s got buckets of talent and a huge heart.
This quote is one of my favorites, and one that I’ve taken to heart lately. I can barely find my cell phone, much less clear the...
Watch(via Chemo Curl • UCB Comedy)
Via funny ladies Corrine Ellingson, Rosie Stevens (my all time fave celebrity impersonator), Rachael Mason and more.
My hair’s not an issue right now, but this video is too funny to pass up (and dedicated to a friend of the ladies who wrote it).
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Via comments regarding what to call chemo.
My spell checker also wanted to change rectal to rental. I think that makes for an interesting perspective.
Via comments regarding what to call chemo.
My spell check wanted to change chemo to chum, so I think that’s what it should be called. Chum: friend/fish bait/toxic medicine.
My Friday, from a mood-swingy perspective
8:30: Bouncy. At work, slugging iced Starbucks, the only worthwhile Starbucks that’s not overtly sugary.
10:00: Social, basking in office love while working.
11:00: Antisocial, awaiting trip to the cancer mall. Tired of listening to NPR. Dave Barry is not as funny as the world imagines.
12:00: Antsy, arriving at cancer mall.
1:00: Cheerful. This is great! cure me! Yay!
1:30:...
Via Mom
Me: (whining) “But I’m not really sick, am I?”
Mom: (drily) “You’ve got a bag* attached to your tit.”
(*Bag of chemo)
Already suggested - the frontrunner - "Sparkle...
What is the best name for chemo?
Celebrity cancer staging!
Somewhere between this:
And this:
FAQ for the three readers who'll check this out
What’s this blog about? Cancer, silly.
What kinda cancer? Rectal.
Is it true that rectal is the funniest kind of cancer? Yes.
Do you have rectal cancer? Have you been reading this?
Heh heh, you said rectal. Blow me.
What is the prognosis? Pretty darn OK, I feel.
Will it suck? Oh yeah.
Do you have drugs? Lots and lots.
Will you share? Depends.
Do you require Depends? Not at the...
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How time flies.
Typical street argument rejoinders:
2005: “You fat bitch!”
2010: “You bitch!”
2011: “You bitch!” “Yeah? Screw you, I’ve got CANCER.”
Bad taste continues
Will rectal radiation treatment obviate the need for a Brazilian?
Via a long-(slightly) lost friend
“You know, I’m really sorry we seem to have fallen out of touch. I never meant for that to happen. I do hope we can repair things. Much like a scissored and joined colon, just to bring things back around to Topic A.”
I heart this person very much.
This is not the time for good taste
I am creating a character based on the Make a Wish kid. More to come.
Just call me Cancerface!
Murderface’s little sister, obvs.
Best Ass-related comedy bits
1. Cartman gets an Anal Probe (see below)
2. KITH Great Leader/Anal Probing sketch
3. Chris Farley accidental butt crack scramble
4. Margaret Cho “Ass Master”
5. Eddie Murphy “Funny Faggots.” I’d leave out the butt sex jokes, but the sound effects as Kramden/Norton are priceless.
6. Colon Blow, naturally.
7. Comedy Jeopardy - “Comedy Killers is the...
Via Mom
“This is not how I wanted to bond.”
Random jokes
So colon cancer has a blue ribbon. Guess that means we won!
What do you think of when you see a blue ribbon? Pie. Cheap beer. Ass cancer.
Rectal cancer should have its own textured brown ribbon. Just saying.
