Bizarro Patient Zero

Month

August 2012

1 post

Goodbye

It is with incredible sadness that I pass along the information that the amazing beautiful light that was Michelle Dobrawsky passed away at about 3:45 today. My Love, you will be missed. -Ryan Shellito

Aug 30, 201211 notes

July 2012

8 posts

Jul 20, 201234 notes
Cancer tired

Cancer tired is not normal tired.  Cancer tired is having a more or less wide-awake brain, watching your body glue itself to the sofa incapable of movement.  It’s being frantic about all you want or need to do while the rest of you wants to buy sneakers on QVC.   It’s just all wrong.

Jul 20, 20122 notes
#cancer tired
Nerves.

Not only am I freaking out about getting my test results, but I’m in full-tilt Oxycontin withdrawal.

I’m eating tiny unsalted pretzels, drinking pineapple juice and twitching generally.

Jul 20, 20121 note
#cancer sucks
Hey guys....

I usually don’t ask this kind of stuff, but next Tuesday I have a PET scan and Friday I will get the results.  So, well, can you send prayers/thoughts/affirmations/good vibes to your favorite deity/idol/skull of Del Close on my behalf?  I’d really appreciate it.

Thanks, kids.  Your support means lots to me.

Jul 14, 20126 notes
#think positive #cancer sucks #tests
This was too touching.

My punky (not really, just mohawked) nephew, who is 9 and just too cool for words, kept asking me if I wanted to lay down.  Just casually, in the middle of conversations.  But later I thought about it, and dissolved.  This kid loves me.

Jul 14, 20127 notes
#kids today
Oy oy oy

So my heavily fragmented digestive system, for no discernible specific reason, is in full rebellion.  I’ve tried it all to feel better -

food (icepops, mostly)

drink (soy milk)

drugs (whatever’s in the box)

sobbing (not effective)

puzzles (also not effective)

blogging (completely ineffective).

Jul 5, 20121 note
#cancer sucks
So, who's gonna direct this thing?

When I finally get the script for the inevitable solo show, “GUTS - The Musical” (Working title only), I’ll need someone to steer me right.

Keep in mind that I am heavily influenced by “All that Jazz,” the Fosse movie by Fosse where he choreographs his own death as a giant production number.  Genius! Go Netflix it now.

In this spirit, I will be casting the “Cancer Dancers,” in full 80s Chorus Line regalia, gold spangled leotards and snappy hats.  5-6-7-8!

And instead of Jessica Lange as the guardian angel, I’ll probably just use my recently deceased mom.

Fun times, people! Who’s with me?

Jul 3, 20122 notes
#CANCER the musical
Cancer Vixen

Read a copy gifted to me by the X.  Not as bad as I expected; much more relatable that I’d been led to believe by subsequent press.  Also, it’s in graphic-novel format, which I can’t resist.

Jul 3, 2012
#cancer books

June 2012

7 posts

About Mom

So I was watching VH1 Top artists (yes, my brain is on idle) and it made me think of my mom.

My mom was into concerts.  Big, crazy rock concerts.  Well into her 60s.  About the same age as Mick Jagger - she saw the Stones numerous times.  She’d leave early, to beat the crowds, but boy did she love Mick.

As one of her friends said in a card to me, she was one of a kind.

Jun 16, 20123 notes
#rock and roll
I know I can't 100% relate to everything that you're going through, but I know what it's like to be in and out of the hospital. Right now I'm living with a temporary ileostomy, and it SUCKS. There definitely is no humor to be found, but I've named my stoma because someone told me it would help me adjust better. That was a lie. The only good about it is that it's temporary.

i haven’t named my stoma, but it’s a freaking volcano these days.  thank goodness for temporary!  Try, try to find humor, because it really does help.

Jun 15, 20122 notes
Jun 15, 20122 notes
#butt cancer #immunity #cancer sucks
Fatty Fatty - wha?

Nutritionists either bore me or freak me out, in my personal experience.  This one freaked me out. 

Apparently, I need to eat more.

Now, if you are reading this blog chances are good that I weigh a lot more than you.  Except the Badger, who is a reassuring 6’7”.  I’ve always been substantial.  Never, ever have I been told to eat more.  The irony is, I’m too tired to cook (and I love to cook) and have no appetite (wha?).

Yeah, I apparently dropped 30 kg since Halloween.  That’s over 60 lbs for you Amuricans.  Even my cheap-arse Old Navy clothes are swimming on me.

Right now I am pouring a Slim Fast protein shake down my throat and squeezing a hand strengthener to build muscle.  No more girly arms for me!

Sigh.  I’m still kinda fat, though.

Jun 15, 20122 notes
#butt cancer #weight loss #weight gain
ouch! Hitting the wall.

I feel like I’m at mile 20 of 26 here.  I’m tired of being sick and tired, tired of carrying around my bodily functions externally, tired of drawing in eyebrows.  So, things have been a bit hard lately.  And my chemo brain won’t let me remember the fabulously funny anecdotes I meant to write here.  Ouch!

Jun 15, 20121 note
#wall #blues #cancer sucks
Chem-ho

Trying to catch up here…

So, I’m fortunate enough to have supportive family and friends who can accompany me to and from chemo.  One happens to be my ex-husband, with whom I remain on friendly terms (how’s that for grammar!)  So two sessions ago, one of the lovely chemo nurses (they’re all fabulous, believe me) pops into my chemo cube, looks at my ex and says “My, you’re always here with a different handsome man!”

Oops.  I’m sure he knows, but my ex is a bit sensitive on the subject of the Badger so I try not to bring him up.

I cheerfully say, “Yes, like my lovely first husband here.”

The nurse pales a bit, like she’d stepped into it.  Ex doesn’t really notice, or acts pretty well.

I continue, “Yes, and my dad and my brother…”

After the X leaves, the nurse comes back, worried, “Did I cause trouble?”

I just laughed.  I love being popular!

Jun 15, 20121 note
#chemo #ex
PTSD WTF!

Last night I had screaming flashbacks of the past year and a half. It started with my ICU stay and went back to radiation, forward to the mean nurses at NYU, all over. I was convinced I was still in hospital, then just freaking out. Poor Badger had to talk me down, and I still had to stay up and do puzzles to calm down.

Scary.

Tonight I just can’t sle ep. Cryptograms, here I come.

Jun 6, 20121 note
#PTSD

May 2012

5 posts

Unexpected kudos

Real housewives of Beverly hills features joes colonoscopy! Good for him!

May 26, 2012
#Media
Nummy!

Brunch:

Vanilla slim fast
Fruit salad
8 pills

May 26, 2012
#Food #Drugs
Yawnnn

Can I stop having cancer now? I’m seriously bored and tired. And broke. And vaguely unattractive.

On the upside. I get to lounge about doing puzzle books a nd drinking Ovaltine. Yummers!

May 23, 20121 note
#Whine
Play
May 23, 20122,500 notes
#News
Via Mom

Me: love you.

Mom: love you. More than you’ll ever know.

…

We lost Mom in March just shy of her 67th birthday.

I had so much to say, but I am suddenly at a loss for words.

Suffice it to say that I am celebrating mothers day by watching The mets blow a lead, and likely ordering challah French toast from Odessa on avenue a in memorium.

May 13, 20124 notes
#Mom #Loss

March 2012

2 posts

Oh, and another thing...

Go @#%! yourself.

Love,

your highly unlikely blood clot

Mar 9, 2012
WTF?

I cannot believe how shitty my life is right now.

Love,

your failing kidneys

Mar 9, 2012

February 2012

2 posts

Feb 13, 20124 notes
Feb 13, 201242,160 notes

January 2012

16 posts

Christopher Hitchens' next-to-last VF column → vanityfair.com

I wanted to quote this but couldn’t.  So much is so true.

RIP.

Jan 30, 2012
#cancer #writing
Play
Jan 29, 2012
Ask a stupid question....

Me: (in a mood of all moods) So, why did I get this surgery anyway?

Badger: Because you’d die without it.

Jan 28, 2012
#surgery #obvious #butt cancer
Part 2 in the obvious department

When in pain: don’t do stuff.

When not in pain: do stuff.

Jan 28, 20121 note
#obvious #butt cancer #pain
Jan 28, 20124,162 notes
Sorry kids.

Not only can I find no humor in it yet, I can’t even really write about the ileostomy experience.

If you read cheery accounts of people living with them on line, keep in mind that I hate them all.

Jan 28, 2012
FAIL

Me: So, am I healed up yet?

Radiologist (brightly): Oh no, you’ve got a ways to go!

Jan 28, 2012
Hey? Anyone ever been on meds?

Every night between 8-10, I get pained, squirrely, restless and am just an all-out mess.  This doesn’t happen in the mornings.  I take meds at 10 AM and 10 PM.

Why does this happen?

Jan 28, 2012
Play
Jan 24, 20125 notes
#stoma #science!
Via Mom

Me: So they transferred you to the step-down out of ICU!

Mom: Yeah, they probably needed the bed.

Mom’s a bit further out of the woods right now, but she still needs rehab to get back on her feet.

Jan 19, 20125 notes
#mom
Via Mom

Mom: grumble grumble cough (through oxygen mask)

Mom’s not well right now.  Less well than me.  So, I’ll likely be posting a bit less.  I’m exhausted.

Jan 14, 2012
Let Gwyneth Paltrow tidy up your colon | Film | Newswire | The A.V. Club → avclub.com

Perhaps I will send Gwyneth my excised foot o’ colon.

Tidy that!

Jan 6, 20121 note
Get well soon!

I hope the surgery went well. Post an update when you can.

Jan 6, 2012
Comedy = ?

I still can’t seem to make my ileostomy funny.

Jan 6, 20121 note
#ileostomy
Deep breath...a long listy venty post.
  • 10/31/11: Surgery to remove tumor margins and temporarily resect colon to allow reconnection later.  Surgery takes eight hours.
  • Spent 5 days in ICU due in part to tachycardia and excessive blood loss.  Took 2 blood transfusions.  Discharged 3 days later with temporary ileostomy.  Epic trouble in managing same (decreased but continuing).
  • At home, in increasing pain.  Have not eaten or drank sufficient amounts in weeks.
  • Readmitted to the hospital with severe dehydration and pain. 
  • After several days, sent to radiology for ‘leak study.’  Not informed that “leak study” involves the unexpected and rapid shooting of freezing cold liquids in the area of study.  No hilarity ensues.
  • Abscess discovered and drains installed.  Cannot sleep on front or back. 
  • Discharged to physical rehab home.  Am youngest resident by far.  Given PT, OT and much better food.  Shared bathroom presents amusing issues.
  • Drain removed by surgeon.  Pain meds increased.  Working the PT/OT.  Figuring out the cable channels.  
  • 12/23/11: Discharged home.  Hasty Christmas Eve spent with dad and stepmother.
  • 12/31/11: Pleasant New Year’s Eve, after time spent missing friends.
  • Today: Insomnia and thirst persist.  Frustration with ostomy continues; trying to research solutions and/or coping strategies.  Impatient with long recovery time shared with surgeon who doesn’t deny that this is what happens after (see above).  Still on buckets of pain meds.  Reflecting on all of the above may or may not be helpful.  Shrink appointment on Monday much needed.

Informercials!  Off to drift off to sleep to Proactiv ads!

Jan 6, 201212 notes
#rectal cancer #surgery #rehab #ileostomy #coping
Belated New Year's Eve post

How I spent it:

Baked ziti (made by me) and intensely buttery garlic bread (made by Badger)

Watching the ball drop (heh heh) on TV.  Highlight - Lady Gaga dancing with Mayor Bloomberg.  I heart NYC.

So, so glad to be alive.

Happy New Year, all.  Marching into 2012 with increased hope and decreased intestines.

Jan 2, 20122 notes

December 2011

1 post

Fluffy Bunny

By the time my second hospital stay came around, my arms looked like that of an errant junkie who missed the cut for “Work of Art.”  One evening, after a series of unsuccesful punctures, they called in a pro.  The Badger noticed his name tag and inquired, “Fluffy Bunny?”  Nurse Bunny, a slightly-built gentleman of a certain age, nodded and said “Yep, it’s real.  A birthday present to myself for my fiftieth.”  He nailed a vein in no time flat and bade us a pleasant farewell.

A couple of nights ago, while waiting for our pepperoni pie (Nino’s on Avenue A - quite decent), Badger gleefully tugged on my coat sleeve and stage-whispered “It’s Fluffy Bunny!”  And I turned and saw a slightly-built gentleman in a down coat and scrubs walking down Avenue A enjoying his slice, after a long day adeptly venipuncturing.

I mean, where else would Fluffy Bunny live but the East Village?

I get the feeling that the Bunny’s been through some shit in his life, but now he’s OK.

Happy New Year, Fluffy Bunny and all.

Dec 30, 20115 notes

November 2011

2 posts

I'm Home! But too sore to be adorably witty.

So here’s some brief fun facts about my rectal cancer surgery.

  1. Number of days inpatient: 7
  2. Number of days in ICU: 4.5
  3. Number of blood units infused: 2
  4. Number of incisions/openings: 4
  5. Number of stacked up containers of apple juice and jello (max): 6.

More later!

Nov 9, 20115 notes
#rectal cancer #surgery
Nov 9, 20114 notes
#surgery #ouch #rectal cancer

October 2011

41 posts

Oct 30, 2011453 notes
Avast, mateys!

On Monday I embark on surgery!  Just saying thanks for all the support and love!

Try to get by a few days without any butt-updates.  I know you can do it.

Yarrr!

Oct 30, 20119 notes
#rectal cancer #surgery
Sunday is Funday, presurgically speaking! NSFARWMINSBYDIT*

*Not safe for anyone, really.  Well, maybe it’s not so bad.  You decide.  I’m tired.

Here’s my presurgery prep day schedule!

  1. Eat nothing.
  2. Make extensive and overreaching to-do list.
  3. Mix up a gallon jug of PEG (antifreeze).  Add lemon flavoring. Chill.
  4. Drink this until you can’t stand it anymore.
  5. Take up residence in the bathroom.  Reading materials: Star Trek handbook, Truman Capote novel, last week’s “New York” magazine.
  6. Drink some more.
  7. [DELETED]
  8. No, wait, drink some more.
  9. [DELETED]
  10. Here, have another cup!
  11. [DELETED]
  12. Seriously?
  13. [DELETED]
  14. Curl up in grouchy ball on sofa.  Ignore to-do list.
  15. Kill all gut flora with several grams of antibiotics in a pill the size of an ipod shuffle.
  16. Repeat 15.  Mix up another quart of iced tea.  Drink.  Ignore caffeine.
  17. Pack too much stuff, ignoring the fact that you will be sleeping and growling at people for the next 72 hours.  Stuff will include an ipod, several balls of yarn, three books, two magazines and a secret bottle of Klonopin.
  18. Repeat 15.  Mourn death of gut flora.  Remember that yogurt is not a clear liquid.
  19. Eat sorbet, which inexplicably is a clear liquid.  Bitch and moan.
  20. Wonder if organic mac and cheese counts as a clear liquid.
  21. Ignore “to do” list.
  22. Watch “Treehouse of Horrors” with the Badger.
  23. Groan.  Eat more sorbet.
  24. Watch “The Next Iron Chef” with the Badger and immediately regret watching cooking shows on an empty stomach.
  25. Have a fine late-night snack of Klonopin and apple juice.  Yum-o!
  26. Attempt to sleep.
  27. Obsessively play Plants v. Zombies to reach the level that was lost in the software upgrade.
  28. Repeat.
  29. Obsess over undone items on “to do” list.
  30. Sack out on sofa.
Oct 30, 201116 notes
#rectal cancer #surgery #preparation
Comedy = Colostomy + Time

Give me a week or two, kids.

image

image

image

Or not.  

Slogan contest to come!

Oct 28, 201130 notes
#rectal cancer #colostomy #too soon
Oct 28, 20113 notes
#cancer pirate #colostomy
Aha! You see? I was right!

I have a bad cold.  And cancer.

And the cold is making me MISERABLE.

Minor point.  Carry on.

Oct 27, 20112 notes
#cancer #ok to feel bad about stupid stuff #cold
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